ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING (2015)

Genre: Comedy
Director: Terry Jones
Cast: Simon Pegg, Robin Williams, Kate Beckinsale, Joanna Lumley, Terry Gilliam, Rob Riggle, John Cleese, Eddie Izzard, Terry Jones, Sanjeev Bhaskar
Runtime: 1 hr 26 mins
Rating: NC-16 (Brief Nudity and Some Coarse Language)
Released By: Shaw
Official Website: http://madamebovarythemovie.com

Opening Day: 3 September 2015

Synopsis: ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING tells the tale of a disillusioned schoolteacher, Neil Clarke (Pegg), who is suddenly granted the ability to do anything he wishes. These powers are bestowed upon him by a group of aliens (voiced by Cleese, Gilliam, Jones, Palin and Idle), who are watching him from outer space. Unbeknown to Neil, how he employs his newfound powers will dictate the fate of mankind. One wrong move and the aliens will destroy Earth forever. While struggling with these miraculous powers, Neil is also bidding to win the heart of the girl who lives in the flat downstairs, Catherine (Beckinsale), and he calls upon his loyal canine companion Dennis (voiced by Robin Williams in his last-ever film role) to help him along the way. Catherine’s former boyfriend (Riggle), meanwhile, appears on the scene to prove an exacting nemesis. Will Neil do the right thing and use his powers properly? Will he get the girl of his dreams? And will Dennis help him achieve his dreams, or just dream about dog biscuits? The fate of the planet depends on Neil’s actions…

Movie Review:

‘Absolutely Anything’ is a perfect example of how a great idea doesn’t necessarily translate to a good movie. Based off a script that apparently has been knocking around for some years, ‘Monty Python’ vet Terry Jones’ first film as a director in over a decade boasts an appealing premise centred around a forty-something ordinary Joe who has been hand-picked by a group of aliens to be bestowed with the power to do just about anything. If that sounds too good to be true, it is; behind public-school English teacher Neil Clarke’s omnipotence is a test of whether mankind as a species has any worth (or conversely, if Earth deserves to be destroyed).

There is potential for a sharp, witty sci-fi satire no doubt, but instead this madcap comedy’s idea of humour is corny slapstick and broad caricatures. Upon realising his newfound powers, Neil starts by making his loyal dog Dennis regurgitate the notes from chapter three of his perpetually unfinished novel, waving the whiskey that he knocked over into the sink into the bottle, order Dennis’ poop to flush itself down the toilet bowl, and last but not least grant Dennis the gift of speech (courtesy of the late Robin Williams). At best, these sight gags are mildly amusing; at worst, they are cringe-worthy; there is but one chuckle-worthy joke when Neil’s wish for a penis that women find exciting comes in the form of a ‘coloured’ dick.

Anyone hoping for a return of the Jones in the classic ‘Holy Grail’ will certainly be sorely disappointed, as the former Python seems content earning laughs by giving all pasty white Englishmen big ears and webbed feet and dressing the British police in pink uniforms. Yes, that is what is supposed to pass for laughs here, in addition to a running joke that sees Neil’s colleague being pursued by an ever-growing cult led by a fellow female teacher whom he had asked Neil to wish that she would forever worship at his feet. Though low humour was arguably part of the Pythons’ appeal at the height of their cult popularity, it was never this juvenile – and the fact that Jones’ other alums John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle and Michael Palin sound so absolutely bored voicing the alien council is proof of that.

Between Neil’s other wish-fulfilment fantasies is a romantic subplot involving the girl who lives next door to Neil, Catherine (Kate Beckinsale), an assistant to a TV book-review show hosted by a malicious diva (played by ‘Absolutely Fabulous’ star Joanna Lumley). Neil uses his powers to get Catherine into bed with him one evening, though she becomes appalled the morning after when she learns that she was ‘bewitched’ into it – why he just doesn’t use those same powers to make her fall in love with him frankly escapes us. That also puts him at odds with her possessive ex, a U.S. army colonel named Grant (Rob Riggle), who ends up kidnapping Neil to coerce the latter to fulfil a whole list of stupid and selfish wishes – in addition to big ears, webbed feet and pink uniforms, also includes turning all traffic lights green just to hear the crashing of vehicles for his perverted amusement.

It isn’t the first time that Pegg is playing the lovable loser, and he brings an amiable likeability to a thankless role that is frankly beneath the talented comedian. Beckinsale largely phones it in, while Riggle over-acts for even the few scenes he is in. And like we said earlier, there is really nothing to crow about the much-talked about Python reunion, especially given the unfunny lines they are made to deliver and how each of them is hidden behind cheap grotesque CGI that doesn’t look any better than a cut-rate 80s or 90s sci-fi flick.

No matter how tantalising the prospect of a comeback from Terry Jones might have sounded on paper, there is no way fans could have been waiting for this lame, unfunny sitcom. Like we said at the start, there is a great idea at the heart of it, but Jones, who co-wrote the script with Gavin Scott, aims for the lowest common denominator here. And just as its title suggests, absolutely anything but the kitchen sink seems to be Jones’ guiding principle here – how else can you explain a scenario where Neil completely annihilates his class of thirty-over misbehaving public schoolboys with a simple swish of his hand – so you might want to bring absolutely no expectations in if you’ve already decided to re-live the former glory days of Monty Python and the crew. 

Movie Rating:

(A sorry excuse for ‘Monty Python’ fans, this lame, unfunny sci-fi satire squanders a promising premise and a Python reunion that should have been much, much more)

Review by Gabriel Chong