MACHETE KILLS (2013)

Genre: Action/Thriller
Director: Robert Rodriguez
Cast: Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez, Sofia Vergara, Amber Heard, Carlos Estevez, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Jessica Alba, Demián Bichir, Alexa Vega, Vanessa Hudgens, Cuba Gooding, Jr., William Sadler, Marko Zaror, Mel Gibson
RunTime: 1 hr 47 mins
Rating: M18 (Violence and Coarse Language)
Released By: InnoForm Media and Cathay-Keris Films
Official Website: https://www.facebook.com/MacheteKills

Opening Day: 17 October 2013 

Synopsis: In MACHETE KILLS, Danny Trejo returns as ex-Federale agent MACHETE, who is recruited by the President of the United States for a mission which would be impossible for any mortal man - he must take down a madman revolutionary and an eccentric billionaire arms dealer who has hatched a plan to spread war and anarchy across the planet. From the director of SIN CITY, MACHETE KILLS promises over-the-top action and boasts a killer cast consisting of Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez, Sofia Vergara, Amber Heard, Lady Gaga, Vanessa Hudgens, Alexa Vega, Antonio Banderas, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Jessica Alba, Charlie Sheen, Demián Bichir and Mel Gibson.

Movie Review:

Robert Rodriguez used to stand for so many things. Back in the 90s, his ‘Mexico Trilogy’ of ‘El Mariachi’, ‘Desperado’ and ‘Once Upon a Time in Mexico’ were hailed as the Mexicans’ answer to classic Spaghetti Westerns. Then he went on to prove his ingenuity and imagination as a filmmaker with the enormously entertaining ‘Spy Kids’ movies (at least the first two), as well as his comic book sensibilities with the visually definitive ‘Sin City’. No doubt, it was these qualities for which he was chosen to helm ‘Planet Terror’ opposite Quentin Tarantino, one-half of the double feature ‘Grindhouse’ which paid homage to made-on-the-fly 1970s exploitation flicks.

But where Tarantino has since moved on to critically acclaimed fare such as ‘Inglorious Bastards’ and ‘Django Unchained’, Rodriguez has unfortunately still got his head stuck in ‘Grindhouse’ territory. Building on cult reaction to one of the fake trailers attached to the double feature, Rodriguez filmed a full-length movie about a machete-wielding granite-faced assassin played by Danny Trejo that was simply titled ‘Machete’. And despite underwhelming box-office returns, the cartoonishly enjoyable one-note joke of a film was surprisingly well-received critically, undeniably allowing him to revive the character for one of two sequels teased in the ending.

If it seems we have spent an inordinate time in this review laying out the filmographic history of Rodriguez, that’s because it’s quite fascinating how someone of his calibre should ever see the reason for ‘Machete Kills’. What was once a tongue-in-cheek spoof of blood and guts spilling on the big screen has now become a joke in itself, so utterly tedious and pointless that you’re wondering just what Rodriguez thought could possibly make this into a franchise. Indeed, this is a film that sadly lives up to its billing as a ‘grindhouse’ flick, by virtue of the fact that watching it is no less than a grind.

There are but two inspired elements throughout the 107-minute torture. The first is Machete’s oft-repeated catchphrase ‘Machete don’t …’, a symbol of the times the old-school action hero is from - if Trejo’s matchlessly craggy face don’t already provide enough reminder; and our favourite here is the fact that the man doesn’t tweet. In a sequel with diminishing returns and too many familiar repetitions (How many times can you see a man’s head getting lopped off without getting bored? Or just about another roll of intestines being used as rope?), the rare display of wit is indeed a saving grace.

The second is the all-star celebrity cameos that Rodriguez has, by some stroke of a miracle, managed to assemble. Not all pay off equally, but we’ll start with the ones that work. Mel Gibson is riveting as a villainous arms dealer that Machete goes toe to toe with, clearly relishing the opportunity to take on an over-the-top role that doesn’t require him to play nice. Charlie Sheen (billed here by his birth name Carlos Estevez) is also surprisingly enjoyable as the President of the United States, who tempts Machete back into action with a shot at redemption as well as American citizenship.

Not so memorable however are the posse Rodriguez trots out to play the master of disguise hitman known simply as The Chameleon, played alternately by a who’s who list of Walt Goggins, Cuba Gooding Jr., Antonio Banderas and even Lady Gaga who frankly look as if they certainly wanted to be somewhere else quick. In comparison, Amber Heard and Sofia Vergara get much more memorable parts, the latter particularly as a man-hating dominatrix equipped with a machine-gun bra and strap-on dildo shotgun.

Apart from the occasional one-liner and playing ‘spot the celebrity’, there is pretty much nothing else the movie offers. Rodriguez’s penchant for over-the-top violence quickly wears out both its welcome and freshness, and Kyle Ward’s ill-conceived and undercooked screenplay gives the characters so little to do – well except acting and talking tough and waiting for the next hail of bullets and blood. We get that bad acting, a lack of narrative logic, choppy storytelling and illogical direction were all traits of the ‘grindhouse’ flicks, but there’s a difference between succumbing to the same flaws and being cleverly self-aware – unfortunately, ‘Machete Kills’ falls on the wrong end of the scale.

And with the movie, Rodriguez yet again confirms his audience’s worst fears that the filmmaker might have just stuck himself in his own rut of making bad movies out of the thrall of bad movies. This is as unnecessary a sequel as it gets, and for that matter, a homage to the 70s exploitation flicks that have clearly been lost on today’s audiences. The fact that Rodriguez teases out yet another sequel called ‘Machete Kills Again… In Space’ is further damning proof that he’s taken his own joke too far, much akin to taking a machete and stabbing his own franchise in the heart. 

Movie Rating:

(Heads lopped off, guts spilling forth, blood spurting forth - if 107 minutes of that sounds like your thing, then 'Machete Kills' will hit the sweet spot)