SCARY MOVIE 5 (2013)

Genre: Comedy
Director: Malcolm D. Lee
Cast: Ashley Tisdale, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Terry Crews, Kate Walsh, Heather Locklear, Molly Shannon, Mike Tyson, Audrina Patridge, Kendra Wilkinson, Angie Stone, Katt Williams, Marisa Saks, Erica Ash, Simon Rex, Jasmine Guy, Angela Raiola, Sheree
RunTime: 1 hr 27 mins
Rating: NC-16 (Sexual & Drug References)
Released By: Golden Village Pictures
Official Website: 

Opening Day: 2 May 2013

Synopsis: Happily married couple Dan and Jody begin to notice some bizarre activity once they bring their newborn baby Aiden home from the hospital. But when the chaos expands into Jody's job as a ballet dancer and Dan's career as an Ape researcher, they realize they're family is being stalked by a nefarious demon. Together, with the advice of certified experts and the aid of numerous cameras, they must figure out how to get rid of it before it's too late.

Movie Review:

One supposes that the producers of the ‘Scary Movie’ franchise must have had a creative dilemma when faced with the task of coming out with the next instalment. For one, the ‘Scream’ series which was the genesis of the ‘Scary Movies’ had long since run out of steam, and even the most recent attempt at reviving it (i.e. ‘Scream 4’) proved unsuccessful. For another, there hasn’t been a bona fide horror hit like ‘Scream’ in a while – the only exception being ‘Paranormal Activity’, which in an ironic twist, had already been spoofed by the original creators of ‘Scary Movie’ in ‘A Haunted House’.

A retread would have been plain suicide, so instead the creative minds behind the last two ‘Scary Movies’ – David Zucker and Pat Proft – decide to fuse what was certainly meant to be a spoof of ‘Paranormal Activity’ with that of a most recent modestly successful horror movie, the Guillermo del-Toro produced ‘Mama’. To be sure, the welding of both premises wasn’t that difficult to begin with, since both largely took place in the context of a suburban house; still, there is little praise to lavish on a movie like ‘Scary Movie 5’, so we’ll pay what little compliment it deserves.

There’s just about one other inspired bit, so we might as well get that over with as well. Already touted as one of the movie’s highlights, there is indeed some fun to be had in the scene with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. An obvious riff on the celebrities’ real-life woes, that sequence has Sheen and Lohan play a married couple who are into all sorts of kinky sex positions until an otherworldly presence terrorises them in their bedroom a la ‘Paranormal Activity’. It isn’t nearly as funny as you would hope from such a tongue-in-cheek pairing, but nonetheless, it is comedic genius when compared to everything else that comes after.

Beginning with the discovery by two stoner buddies (Snoop Dogg and Mac Miller) of three feral kids in a cabin in the woods, the movie adopts the narrative structure of ‘Mama’ while spoofing some of its iconic scenes, e.g. the one where Jessica Chastain’s character gingerly approaches the ajar closet while being warned by one of the two girls. If that doesn’t ring a bell or if you have never seen ‘Mama’, then well pretty much half of the movie won’t make sense to you. For that matter, you probably won’t appreciate much of the other half as well.

Strenuously trying to parody other recent blockbuster movies not necessarily of the horror genre, Simon Rex has a job as a scientist in a biological lab where tests on apes are being carried out – cue some painfully unfunny sequences ripped from ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’. Meanwhile, Ashley Tishdale is an aspiring ballerina who auditions for (gasp!) ‘Black Swan’, and faces Mila Kunis-like competition for the lead role from Erica Ash. If that isn’t enough, there’s even a psychic based off the ‘Sinister’ movie and a Leonardo DiCaprio-lookalike dream extractor from none other than ‘Inception’.

Apparently, just about anything and everything is up for spoofing, even yet-to-be-made films like ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ – oh, if you ladies have to know, Jerry O’Connell is Mr Christian Grey. There’s also cameos from other recognisable actors/ actresses such as Heather Locklear, Terry Crews, Mike Tyson, Usher and even the respectable Molly Shannon. Still, none of that star power is worth anything in sequence after sequence of painfully unfunny gags, not even the Morgan Freeman-like narration that struggles to make the pastiche of random sketches coherent. Wisely then, resident star Anna Faris (who has seen her star rise in recent years) has decided to sit this one out, probably realising that the ‘Scary Movies’ have all but run their course.

And you’ll be smart to follow her lead, avoiding what is surely one of the worst entries that just about nails the coffin of this franchise long past its prime. Like last year’s ‘Scream’ and ‘Spy Kids 4’, this was meant to be a quick cash-cow for The Weinstein Company, i.e. by reviving its most successful low-budget genre franchises of the past decade; unfortunately, it’s more akin to flogging a dead horse, and not even with the venerable spoof master David Zucker (‘Airplane’ and ‘The Naked Gun’) or his co-conspirator Pat Proft (‘Police Academy’ and ‘Naked Gun’) or director Malcolm D. Lee (of the intermittently amusing 2002 Blaxploitation spoof ‘Undercover Brother’) can breathe life into it. Even at a relatively short 85 minutes, it’s scary just how terribly dreadful this is. 

Movie Rating:

(Except for a tongue-in-cheek opening with real-life train wrecks Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, this painfully unfunny attempt to revive the ‘Scary Movie’ franchise is but their cinematic equivalent)

Review by Gabriel Chong